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Clean,   plain,   drunk   jokes...

Subject:  Seatbelt competition

A police man pulled over a car and told the driver he had won 
$5.000 dollars in the seatbelt competition.
"What are you going to with the money?" asked the police man.
"Well, I guess im gonna get a drivers license", he answered. 
"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, 
"He always lies alot when he is drunk."
Then the kid in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn t get far 
on a stolen car."
At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice 
said, "Are we over the borders yet?" 


Subject:  Drunk

After having had several drinks in a bar, a man staggers out 
and starts walking down the road with one foot in the gutter 
and the other on the curb.
A policeman runs up to the man and says, "Hey! You're drunk!".
Whereupon the man says, "Gee thanks, Officer, I thought I was crippled". 


Subject:  How many bars?

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously 
drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool 
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The 
bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he 
has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served 
additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called 
for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, 
climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door 
of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. 
The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, 
refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again 
offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a 
moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, 
all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the 
BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, 
gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The 
bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that 
he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either 
a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless 
anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?


Subject:  Decoy

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly 
rowdy bar for possible violations of the 
driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw 
a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try 
his keys on five different cars before he found his. 
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for 
several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, 
he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, 
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer 
demanded to know how that could be.  The driver replied, 
"Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."


Subject:  Superman?

This business man goes up to a bar, located at the top of 
the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice 
place. He takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.

"This is a really a nice place. I've never been here before," 
the first guy says.

"Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special 

"Why is that?", the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall?  That's an, 
original Van Gogh.  And this stool I'm sitting on was on the 

"Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, the fourth 
one from the right?  Well, the wind does strange things outside 
that window. If you jump out you'll fall only about 50 feet 
before an updraft catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks 
over to the window, followed closely by the first man.  He 
opens the window, climbs up on the sill, and falls out.  
He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, 
and whoosh!  He comes right back up and floats back in through 
the window.

"See, it's fun!  You should try it", he says.

"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man 

"It's easy.  Watch, I'll do it again".  And with that, he 
falls out the window again.  He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 
50 feet.  
Once again, he comes to a stop, and whoosh!  He sails right 
back up and floats safely through the window.

"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.

"Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will 
give it a try", the first man says.  He climbs up on the 
window sill, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls  
10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60...
100 feet, and splat!  He ends up on the sidewalk.

After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy 
casually closesthe window and heads back to the bar. As he 
sits down and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, 
Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

Links to my joke pages...

The home page: the very beginning
Clean, plain, marriage and sex jokes: funny jokes about marriage and sex
Clean, plain, miscellaneous jokes: funny miscellaneous jokes
Good, plain medical jokes: funny medical jokes
Good, plain sex jokes: funny sex jokes
Good, plain miscellaneous jokes: funny miscellaneous jokes
Blonde stereotypes: funny blonde jokes (all jokes are clean)
Lawyer stereotypes: funny lawyer jokes (all jokes are clean)
Group stereotypes: funny group jokes (all jokes are clean)

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