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Clean,   plain,   miscellaneous   jokes...

Subject: The Accident

A man comes out of a shopping mall to find that the side of his
parked car is rammed in. Seeing a note under the windshield, he 
read it.

On the paper is written:
As I'm writing this, about a dozen people are
watching me. They think I'm giving you my name, phone number, 
and insurance company.
But I'm not............

======================================================================

Subject:  Blind man

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.  
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, 
"Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him 
answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.  
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug 
placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs 
are big!"  The bartender replied, 
"Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender 
where the bathroom was located.  The bartender replied, 
"Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the 
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the 
second door.  Instead, he entered the third door, which 
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by 
accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't 
flush, don't flush!"

======================================================================

Subject:  Survival


A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in 
the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring 
with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several 
hands went up, and many important things were suggested 
such as food, matches, etc. 

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes 
Timmy, what are the three most important things you would 
bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. 

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck
of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right 
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master 
impatiently. 

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is 
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on 
top of that black ten!"

======================================================================

Subject:  Don't Despair

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day... when
she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill 
dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from 
her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was 
distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who 
was leaning against a post in front of the convent. 

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might 
be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and 
wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, 
"Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window 
to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled 
expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. 

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she 
was told that some man was at her door who insisted on 
seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger 
waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll 
of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, 
"That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair 
paid 5-1." 

======================================================================

Subject:  Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & 
Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry 
detergent.  

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the 
boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.  It's very 
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.  In 
fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to 
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to 
talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some 
candy.  The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the  boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was 
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use 
that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent 
that killed him."

"Oh?  What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle."

======================================================================

Subject:  God

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. 
While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was 
constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the 
atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying 
job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and 
good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and 
his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day 
and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"



More   clean,   plain,   miscellaneous   jokes...

Subject:  Air Force One

Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill 
looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw 
a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person 
very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw 
ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very 
happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I 
could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make 
a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes,looks at all of them and says, "I 
could throw all of you out the window and make the whole 
country happy!"

======================================================================

Subject:  Prayin'

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was 
sinking fast.  He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain......"you pray while the rest of us 
put on our life jackets - we're one short." 

======================================================================

Subject:  Princess Di

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and
says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees
Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I 
spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. 
Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I 
did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" 

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

======================================================================

Subject:  Last Day of School

On the last day of school, teachers sometimes receive gifts 
from students...

Little Johhny (the son of a florist) was first to present 
his gift.

The teacher held up the package and could smell flowers...
"Oh I'll bet it's flowers" said the teacher ... and upon 
opening the package, her guess was confirmed - Roses.  The 
children were amused!

Little Suzie (the daughter of a Candy Store owner) was 
second to present a gift to the teacher.

The teacher held up the package and could smell the sweet 
aroma of chocolate.
"Oh is it cholcolate?" said the teacher ... and upon opening 
the package, her guess was confirmed - chocolates almonds.  
Now the children were amazed!

How could their teacher guess twice in a row what was in their 
gifts?

Little Bart (the son of a liquor store owner) was third to 
present a gift.

The teacher held up the package and noticed that a dibble 
of liquid came out of the corner. The teacher touched her 
finger to the liquid and tasted it.
"Oh, could it be champagne? asked the teacher ....
"Nope" said Bart.

Once again,  the teacher touched her finger to the liquid 
and tasted it.
"Oh, could it be wine?" asked the teacher ...

"Nope" said Bart ... "It's a puppy."

======================================================================

Subject:  Stand up!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology 
courses. She started her class by  sying,  "Everyone who 
thinks you're stupid, stand up!" 

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. 

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" 

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you  standing there all by 
yourself!"


Questions?      Comments?

If any of my jokes have offended you, please write me by 
clicking my e-mail address below.  Also, if you have jokes 
you'd like to share with me, please don't be shy.  Just click 
my e-mail address below, and mail me the joke.  You can also 
include your name in the e-mail, so i can appropriately credit 
it to you.  Thanks...

Jonesy

jonesla06@aol.com
6 Improv Lane
Las Vegas, NV 12345
United States


Links to my joke pages...

the home page: the very beginning
clean, plain, marriage and sex jokes: funny jokes about marriage and sex
clean, plain, drunk jokes: funny jokes about alcohol and alcoholics
Good, plain medical jokes: funny medical jokes
Good, plain sex jokes: funny sex jokes
Good, plain miscellaneous jokes: funny miscellaneous jokes
Blonde stereotypes: funny blonde jokes (all jokes are clean)
Lawyer stereotypes: funny lawyer jokes (all jokes are clean)
Group stereotypes: funny group jokes (all jokes are clean)