Subject: Sex obsession A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!". Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex." Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex". The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" =================================== Subject: Elevator Magic An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." ====================================================================== Subject: Bad golfer
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "F***!" Bad Skydiver: "F***!!" "Whack!!" ====================================================================== Subject: Beautiful One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Dougie. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!' " ====================================================================== Subject: Little Doug Little Dougie was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God". The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Dougie's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, I'm not gonna like this. "Little Dougie, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Dougie thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
Subject: Fire hose A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park when a police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What do you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!" The man, amazed, yells back, "What do you think I have, a fire hose?!" ====================================================================== Subject: Deadly Sex An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date. The doctor looks him over and says, "Bill, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing." "What's that?", asks the millionaire. "At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly" the doctor replies. Bill thinks for a minute and then says, "What the hell, if she dies she dies." ====================================================================== Subject: The golfing hitman -- High noon There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like." So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!" This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied, "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said, "$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, "Just hold on now...I'm about to save you a thousand bucks." ====================================================================== Subject: Red shirt There was a captain of a war ship. While on lookout, he got news he would be under attack by another ship. He told his second in command to get him his red shirt. So, he quickly got him his red shirt. The next day, there were 10 ships attacking, and he told his second in command to get him his red shirt. After days of fighting, his second in command finally asked him, why he wore his red shirt. The captain told him, that if he got shot, no one would see the blood. One day, he was under attack by 100 ships, and his second in command asked if he wanted his red shirt, and he said, "NO, get me my brown pants!!" ====================================================================== --a Jonesy original new release-- Subject: Hair cut I went to get my hair cut the other day. So, the lady takes me in the back. She says, "Just let me wash your hair first, then we'll get started." Then I say, "no, sorry, I'm in a hurry... just wet it down and cut it." Then the hairdresser says, "WELL I DON'T CUT DIRTY HAIR!" So I respond, "Oh yeah... well then I guess that means YOU CUTTING MY BUTT-HAIR IS OUT OF THE QUESTION."
If any of my jokes have offended you, please write me by clicking my e-mail address below. Also, if you have jokes you'd like to share with me, please don't be shy. Just click my e-mail address below, and mail me the joke. You can also include your name in the e-mail, so i can appropriately credit it to you. Thanks...
6 Improv Lane
Las Vegas, NV 12345
The home page: the very beginning
Good, plain medical jokes: funny medical jokes
Good, plain sex jokes: funny sex jokes
Clean, plain drunk jokes: funny drunk jokes
Clean, plain marriage and sex jokes: funny jokes about marriage and sex
Clean, plain miscellaneous jokes: funny miscellaneous jokes
Blonde stereotypes: funny blonde jokes (all jokes are clean)
Lawyer stereotypes: funny lawyer jokes (all jokes are clean)
Group stereotypes: funny group jokes (all jokes are clean)