Subject:  200 dollars?!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman 
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, 
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Ummm, 
would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I 
WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!" Everyone in the bar is now 
staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and 
completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and 
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I 
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in 
psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to 
embarrassing situations."

To which he responds at the top of his lungs, 
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 200 DOLLARS?!!!"

======================================================================

Subject:  Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a 
phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink.  As the 
bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed 
as my love life." 

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

"That's right.  My last four scores were seven years ago."

======================================================================

Subject:  A bag of fruit

Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. 
Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a 
piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first:  it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, 
wisely ignored him and picked Deborah,  who promptly answered 
"An apple."

"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and 
brownish.

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get 
the teacher to call on him.   But she skips him again and 
calls on Billy.

Is it a peach?"

"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato.  But I like your 
thinking.

Here's another: it's long, yello, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand 
frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.

"A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your 
thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly.

"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in 
my pocket.

Okay, I've got it:  it's round, hard, and it's got a head on 
it."

"Johnny!" she cries.  "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your 
thinking!

======================================================================

Subject:  The Pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is 
losing interest in sex.  The doctor gives her a pill, but 
warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it 
into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, 
the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you 
said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes
all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my 
clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was 
that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any 
damages."

"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to 
Denny's anyway."

======================================================================

Subject:  Kawasaki

A businessman traveled to Japan to meet and play golf with 
a few Japanese business associates.  Having nothing to do 
the night before his game, he decided to solicit the services 
of a prostitute.

Later, when they were in the throes of passion, she suddenly
screamed out "Kawasaki!" Not knowing the translation, he 
figured it meant he was performing exceptionally well, 
and so he kept going.

Again she screamed, "Kawasaki!  Kawasaki!" And again, he
smiled proudly at this congratulation and continued.

Finally, she shrieked "KAWASAKI!" a third time, jumped out 
of bed and ran from the room. "Must have been too good for 
her!" he thought to  himself, and went to sleep contented 
with himself.

The next day, while in the middle of his round of golf, one 
of his Japanese associates hit a perfect 6-iron off the tee 
right into the cup for a hole-in-one!  Remembering his 
new word and wanting to impress his associates with his 
linguistic proficiency, the man yelled out "Kawasaki!"

Perplexed, the Japanese golfer turned to him and asked, 
"What do you  mean, wrong hole?"

Subject: A Sign

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of 
their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."  A 
policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd 
either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, 
"JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, 
"Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." 
So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he 
noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on 
their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to 
catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read..........
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."

======================================================================

Subject:  The Venus Statue

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks "What 
do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert.

"The artwork," says Robert. 
"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Her chest!" says Peter.

"Peter, get out!  Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher 
with disgust.  "And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..." 

======================================================================

Subject:  Three couples

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a 
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new 
parishioners.  You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you 
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." 

"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, 
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.  The 
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of 
nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations!  Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, 
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the 
two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf 
and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was 
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome 
in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at 
Wal-mart anymore either."

======================================================================

Subject:  Walter

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join 
her former husband, Walter Smith.  Saint Peter said, "We 
have five million Walter Smiths.  Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he 
said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in 
his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.  "Take her to Whirling 
Walter!"

======================================================================

--a Jonesy original new release--

Subject:  Sex

I have serious problems when having sex.  Everytime I have sex,
my eyes start watering, I can't breathe, my heart rate goes 
through the roof, my chest tightens, I go into convulsions, etc. 
So, I go to the doctor to gets some answers to my unusual symptoms.
The doctor tells me my symptoms are due to the MACE.

If any of my jokes have offended you, please write me by 
clicking my e-mail address below.  Also, if you have jokes 
you'd like to share with me, please don't be shy.  Just 
click my e-mail address below, and mail me the joke.  You 
can also include your name in the e-mail, so i can 
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