Subject: Anti-lawyer Not all lawyers are scum. I know one who stopped cheating on his clients and lying to jurors on the very same day. It was a beautiful funeral. ====================================================================== Subject: Zoo Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he canít get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!" "A lawyer? Why??" "We need someone who speaks their langauge!" ====================================================================== Subject: Heavenly Love A young engaged couple is killed in a car accident. As they're standing in line at the pearly gates, they lament over the fact that they never had the chance to get married. When they finally get to St. Peter, the man asks, "Is it possible for a couple to get married in heaven?" St. Peter looks a little surprised and says, "No one has ever asked me that before, but I don't see why not." He takes the couple to a small room and tells them to wait there until he comes back. So the couple waits. And waits. And waits a little longer. Four months go by and they're still waiting. In that time they've had only each other to talk to and have gotten to know each other extremely well. While they still want to get married, they're not nearly as enthusiastic about the idea. At last St. Peter comes back. This time the woman speaks. "We still want to be married," she says, "but I just wanted to know.... um.... you know, just in case.... uh.... is it possible to get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter gives her a look that lets her know he's more than a little annoyed and says, "Look, it's taken me four months to find a preacher around here. How long do you think it's going to take me to find a lawyer?" ====================================================================== Subject: Q and A Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice. ====================================================================== --special bonus joke-- Subject: Bill Clinton (ok, he's not a lawyer, but the idea is the feelings about him are the same) Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again. He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER." After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me what should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."
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